The worst is the best moment

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" F.W. Nietzsche.

The previous year was very difficult for me emotionally and psychologically. I have never experienced so much negativity and anxiety in my life. Almost every day, every week there were negative things and events in my life. It was all coming at me layer by layer. I thought, "Well, it can't get any worse. I'll get through this. Good." But no, the next week something was bound to happen and it was like a lump on my head.

I sat on the floor by the bed and through my tears I repeated: "How much longer? When will it end? Where do I go? How many times am I going to take off these rose-colored glasses?", "I don't want to be here". I was getting to know people in new ways, even people I had known for years. At that point, I started to abstract and just run away from people who bring me negativity and avoid events where I could feel anxious.

For a long time, I had feelings of restlessness, anxiety. Endless thoughts in my head, especially when I went to bed. They seemed to accumulate in my head and would not let me rest. These are thoughts that come from my childhood and what I experienced recently as an adult, and even financial aspects. All these thoughts were like a boulder and did not let me sleep a wink. I had to get up and take a notebook and a pen and write down what was happening at that moment, i.e. my thoughts on paper. And only then I would calm down.

A constant feeling of loneliness, anxiety. It's like everyone is against you and you're all alone. Like you're running in a dark tunnel with no light in sight. It was really like that. It's like you're alone and you're struggling. I was at the bottom of my emotional state.

I repeated to myself every morning: "Get up, get up, it's time to start a new day", everything would be fine. But the next day was no better.

On the outside my life may have looked fine, but on the inside the anxiety kept me going. At first it was not so hard, but gradually it began to torment me. Because these anxious thoughts prevented me from concentrating on myself, on my goals, on my health. I rarely left the house. It scared me. Because I like to walk, I like to travel, to visit different places, cities, countries.

It's the right thing to say, the moment, when you think it's the worst moment of your life is actually the best. I realized it later, of course.Nothing happens for nothing. These trials are for a reason. It's only made me stronger, smarter. It became clear to me who was with you in a difficult moment of your life, who supported you, who was interested, and who was not. When I am doing well and will do even better, I will not even think about these people. These difficult moments opened my eyes to many things and people.

At some point I realized that I needed to change the old attitudes in my head. No more living the way I used to. If you want a different result, you have to talk differently, respect yourself, live differently. Think for yourself and do, live for yourself.

After a year of torment, I slowly began to realize that:

✔ Only I can help myself out. Either I help myself or that's it.

✔ I realized that no one would take care of my health but myself.

✔ My head and my soul, it's not a box to dump negativity and someone else's resentments into.

I kept repeating to myself: "Dinara, stop thinking about people who don't think about you at all. Stop worrying about them. Negative people or people disrespecting me (no matter where, when) just take all the positive energy, poison my soul. You can spend that energy on yourself. You don't have to think about them, don't let them ruin your life. If this continues, it will affect your health. They don't think about you, and you don't think about them! Stop letting people dump their negative worries, problems on you. Please start thinking about yourself! You are on your own. Take care of yourself."

Sent the negative and disrespectful people I was worried about into the distance, let go of situations. That's it! And you live a peaceful life.

I started re-reading different books on how to help myself understand what was going on with me. I listened to psychologists or just watched videos of people who were going through the same thing. I wrote it down and read it over and over again so that it would help me understand.

Going to a doctor or taking any pills, much less antidepressants or sedatives. I've never taken them. They're bad for me. Yes, maybe it helps someone, but not for me. I tried to find other ways to deal with anxiety. And I always knew that I and my brain could somehow manage without pills. So this is definitely not an option for me.

✔ To start, I went with an old pattern that had helped me before. I started meditating again. Yes, yes, that's right. It calms my train of thought. Meditation, is a small step towards my sense of peace, calm and harmony. Living in such an emotionally noisy atmosphere, I just needed to sit in silence for 5-10 minutes and not think about anything. To feel my body, what was bothering it.

✔ I started taking more walks, just for fun in the park. It's autumn, it's my favorite time of year. I notice a blanket of leaves on the ground. Sitting on a bench or walking I pay attention to trees, sky, people, how leaves fall, how they rustle under my feet, to cats. Unnoticeably a smile appears on my face. I look at the sky, at the sun, which shines in my face, a kitty cat is sitting under the bench, sweetly snoozing.

✔ I started saying more kind, pleasant words to myself. I got into the habit of praising myself even for small achievements.

"You're so good. You're doing everything right. You're constantly evolving, working on yourself and in general. You've already accomplished a lot. You are empathetic, kind, considerate, funny, caring, judicious, cultured, well-mannered, strong in spirit. You have so many talents. You deserve the best. You are the light. Don't let other people put out that light in you."

✔ I needed to soothe my soul, my head, my body. I even substituted black tea. Black tea was agitating my nervous system. Instead, I started brewing myself different herbal teas. (mint, melissa, thyme, orange, jasmine, rose, etc.). I noticed tangible results.

✔ The next thing I decided to do was to share with a close friend. You shouldn't be afraid to share with people who understand and trust you. After talking to her, I feel a surge of strength, a calmness that I am not alone. She helped me to understand myself in those moments when I was at a dead end. Talking to her on a heart-to-heart basis is like renewing my brain.

"Your soul is like a pot. "Take care of it. Don't let the pot fill up with negativity or bad thoughts. Take care of yourself. Don't let humiliation or negativity get in your way. Keep the pot full of honey. Remember, you are on your own! "

✔ Sports and running. I can't do without sports or physical activity in the morning. Physical activity at the beginning of the day helps me improve my mood and boosts my energy level for the day ahead. It also makes me feel like I did something right from the start. After exercising, I only have positive thoughts, "I can do it all. I can do anything. I believe in myself." Physical activity is the most effective strategy for ending the cycle of stress. Sports helps you cope with stress, makes you feel better, boosts your mood, and sharpens your mind.

✔ Gratitude. I didn't think much about it before. I've started to enjoy the little things again like I used to.  It doesn't matter if it's something big, significant or a small thing that makes me happy. It brings me joy, it puts me in a good mood. It helps me focus on the good, the positive. It can be some small achievement or a pleasant incident.

If I'm sharing this, then I'm already feeling good.. :)